Broken but Intentional in My Brokenness

I’m that woman who is planning to have an intentional pregnancy. Because of my parents, I’m that girl who wants to make sure my children know that they’re wanted.

One day you wake up and realize you’ve been the most authentic you’ve ever been. Not because you wanted to be, but because it was expected of you and you’re finally in a place where you feel heard and accepted.

That’s me. A happy soul in a sad body but I’ve been more than determined to be happy. To be honest, I didn’t quite understand what people meant by marriage makes you vulnerable. Well, it really does. After 1 year of marriage, I can honestly say, this is the most vulnerable and the most authentic I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve come to realize that fighting it only makes things worst. By accepting it, and allowing it to become a part of who I’m now I’m able to grow closer to God and my husband. Though I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I’m also the most vulnerable, and the most scared I’ve ever been.

I wouldn’t have it any other way though.

I’m happy with this stage of my life. In fact, I’m ecstatic about it. By committing myself to this stage of my life, I’m able to discover a whole new side of myself. That side of myself that was there, but was only 40% visible because beings 100% seemed too great of work and too great of a risk. Too daunting a task.

I was born out of wedlock, and my dad for the longest time denied me. My mother sent me away because she couldn’t afford to take care of me herself, and all of that is still on my heart. It’s something I carry every day. It’s something that is a part of my identity. However, at times I forget that there’s more to my identity. I forget that there’s more to me other than the unwanted girl. I forget that I’m more than my parent’s circumstances.

As an adult, and a wife, I know that that part of my life will impact my husband, and me, and the family we choose to create. Because of this, I’m extremely intentional in every decision I make. I’m that woman who is looking up everything about motherhood. I’m that woman who is planning to have an intentional pregnancy. Because of my parents, I’m that girl who wants to make sure my children know that they’re wanted.

That they’ve been prayed for. That they’ve been planned for. That they’ve been prepared for.

Because of my parents, I don’t want my children to ever feel unwanted. I don’t want my children to ever feel like they just happened. I want them to feel and to know that we meticulously planned as many of the steps that led us to be blessed with them.

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