You’re probably laughing to yourself, and thinking, ‘um, no it doesn’t’! Well, you might be right about that, but you might also be kind of wrong about that. Marriage, on it’s own doesn’t fix anything. You can treat your marriage as a contract between two people or you can treat it as a covenant and a blessing from God.
Before I met my husband I was always told – ‘wow I’ve never seen you without a smile on your face. Oh, you’re always laughing and smiling. Oh, you’re always full of joy!’ And for me, that was something extremely important to me. To make sure that my life doesn’t take more than it gives to others. I always want to make sure I make people smile, and brighten their day because that is the life I had resolved to live, and I didn’t want anything or anyone taking that from me.
Life was difficult growing up, but I always tried to have a smile on my face, and make sure other people have a great time. I was always (still am to a degree) the one who wanted to fix everyone’s problem. I wanted everyone’s life to go well, and I wanted their life to be as joyous as it can be. I did this because I knew what it was like to live a life that was not joyous. I learned that I couldn’t be joyous around certain people in my family even though that’s what my spirit was calling me to do. It felt almost dangerous to have a certain amount of joy around certain people in my family because it just seemed like they didn’t like it when other people aren’t miserable. It wasn’t even that my life was perfect. It was that it was the opposite of perfect and yet I always found ways to still be happy.
For anyone who’s been around people who don’t like to see other people happy, you know that is a sign of someone who likes to control others. So I tried to uplift the people in my life that were also under the scrutiny of this individual/individuals.
It was difficult because there where days I just felt down myself and it felt like the whole house was just festering and bleeding pain and misery.
However, when I moved 3.5 miles away to college I was free to bring joy to other people’s life without feeling like I was in danger for wanting the best for others. I felt free, and that made it difficult to keep going back to that house that felt, and was a sign of oppression to me in so many ways.
During my four years in college, I resolved that I wanted to live a happy life not just on the outside but also on the inside.
Was I fake all those years that I showed joy on the outside even though I didn’t feel on the inside? Yes and no. I showed joy even when I didn’t feel it on the inside because that is what I wished, and wanted for my life. Eventually, I believed that I could indeed create a life full of joy. I eventually believed that it was possible to do, and it caught on.
The journey itself to feeling the joy on the inside is still ongoing. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done because it meant being honest with myself about my upbringing. It meant admitting to myself that there are people in my family that I didn’t want to be around. It meant choosing myself, and my peace over the chaos that my family had put me through my entire life. Did that leave some people upset? Yes, absolutely. Do I care? Of course, and I continue to pray God’s healing on their life, but from the comfort of an ever-loving father’s arms.
So, what did my marriage fix? Nothing, yep, nothing. Now, there are issues in my life that my marriage has helped me to confront, and fix in order for my marriage to thrive. Although it took my marriage to help me be in a place that I felt loved enough to walk that journey of healing, my marriage on its own did not fix anything.
We must know our triggers. We must know what doesn’t feed us so that we can grow, and thrive. This is your life. This is you. You can’t through you out because you don’t function the way you want you to function. You can’t trade you in for an upgrade, because you take work. The work matters because you matter. You function the best that you can and that is what matters most right now.
P.S. You can’t fix anything in your life without God, so start inviting him into your life!