As I try to wrap my mind around my uncle’s second stroke these lyrics are literally helping me keep it all together. It just might be the hardest thing I’ve ever done … To hold it together when it feels like it’s all falling from under me. Believe me, I have done it before, but it has been a while since I’ve had to, and saying give it all to God is so easy, but it’s so difficult. For anyone who has never gone through this, it makes it difficult to understand. My uncle is the second father figure I have in my life. My grandfather was the first and the best. His death happened so suddenly. I heard here and there that he wasn’t well once, and twice, and then I was told he had passed on. I didn’t allow myself to grieve for him for over eight years because I was already grieving for so many things in my life at that point. It also felt so unreal because I couldn’t imagine life without him. He had been there since day one for me.
Despite all that, I’ve never had to go through the grieving process before because I try so hard to hold it all together. Every now and then things fall in and out, but I still manage to hold it in. I was miles and miles away when my grandfather passed on. I did not get to say goodbye or go to his funeral. I went to his grave once since he has passed on. I still speak to him and thank him for being my guardian angel here on earth, but I have never fully grieved for him before.
I couldn’t even tell my mom (who is miles and miles away) about my uncle’s stroke because she, like me, does not hold this sort of piece of news all too well. She fell apart when my grandfather passed away. It’s been over ten years and she’s still working on pulling herself back together.
I couldn’t invade her like that…
I’m hoping, and praying, and giving it to God, but putting this into practice is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a long time. My uncle, and I don’t see eye to eye, but he has been my confident in some of the toughest times of my life, and for that, he will always be a part of me. For all that, knowing that he is in pain and hurting just hurts me, but I know there’s a story to this pain and fear. And yes, I’m giving it to God, but I’m also allowing myself to feel what my emotions are begging for me to feel. I’m allowing myself to be afraid, I’m allowing the tears to flow, and I’m letting go of the notion that I have to hold it together perfectly.
So, yesterday when I heard the news I thought I did so well on holding it together. After I hang up, and left to go have dinner with my husband somewhere there in the middle of eating I just couldn’t hold it anymore. I stopped trying to drown myself inside and just let the tear flow and allowed myself to fell. The tears flowed for a while longer, and as I allowed myself the permission to feel this moment and be present in myself I felt all the gates that were down since my grandfather’s passing. All the gates opened, and I felt the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt in my life. I needed this moment. I needed me to be comfortable in myself, and to allow myself this courtesy. Which is something I had to teach myself – the ability to allow myself to be me, and to be okay with that.
Fear and grief come from wanting to be in control, but it’s so, so important for us to remember that God is in control. Through all the pain, chaos, fear, and symphony of life, remember who brought you to it. He will get you through it all.